The REAL Spongebob Squarepants
by RyuuRanger
Summary: Spongebob finally snaps and goes on a killing spree, but not before he tells us his thoughts on his everyday life.


I do not own Spongebob Squarepants. Nick owns it.

Hey.

Hey you.

I'M TALKING TO YOU, YOU ASSWIPE.

You listening? Good. The name's Spongebob Squarepants. Although I wanted to be named Butch or Devil God Z, but nooooooo!

I was named, SPONGEBOB FUCKING SQUAREPANTS.

Oh, my god! What kind of parents would name their child that?! They must've been drunk or on crack for them to come up with that ridiculous name!

And worse, the kids all laughed at me for my stupid fucking NAME. I wanted to curse at them, beat them up! But my goody-two-shoes nature prevented that from happening.

I was the perfect little angel in my parents' and friends' eyes. Hell, I even acted the damn part.

My only "friend" was a brainless fat-ass named Patrick Star. God, he was so fat and dumb. God must hate me.

After all the childhood phases and school, I bought a house. But it wasn't an ordinary house. IT WAS A FUCKING PINEAPPLE.

_A MOTHERFUCKING PINEAPPLE._

God must really hate me that fucking much.

My only neighbors are that fucking moronic starfish and that arrogant, stuck-up squid. How I hate them both!

But I really hate Squidward more than I hate Patrick. The feeling is mutual, you fucking pompous asshole. I just want to bash your fucking face in with your damned clarinet.

But I can't. As much as I want to, I can't. That would be breaking my mask. And I don't want that to happen. So, I can only annoy you the only way I can. By annoying YOU.

And that greedy cheap bastard crab. Not giving me any more money, He's a goddamned skinflint who deserves to be cracked open and needs some hot butter poured upon his wrinkly ass.

God, Am I the only one in this god-forsaken town that hates myself for being a super-cute, lovable, boyish sponge? I didn't ask for this!

I didn't ask to be this annoying crazy loser that I am. God, if you're hearing this, I FUCKING HATE YOU!

Oh, but I forgot someone. Sandy. That freaky squirrel chick. Who the hell sends a fucking squirrel down to the ocean?! I would rather have an ostrich or a cow down here, but a SQUIRREL?!

Squirrels are so fucking useless! All they do is run across the damn trees up on the surface! And eat fucking nuts!

My life is so ridiculous; I just want to end it all. I want to go up there and punch God's lights out.

But I'd just be sent down to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for my sinful ass.

Unfortunately, all I can do is keep wearing my bubbly and cheerful mask and being all idiotic and old-fucking fashioned.

NO.

I will NOT just lie down and be resigned to my damned fate!

I will put aside my mask and do the things that "Spongebob" would normally NEVER do.

For once, I live.

I fucking live.

"Spongebob? What are you doing here in my house?"

Hello, Squidward. I just came here to say hello.

"Really. Well, that's nice. Now goodbye."

Oh no, you FUCKING don't!

"S-Spongebob? What are you doing with my clarinet?"

THIS IS PAYBACK, BITCH!

"NO! SPONGEBOB, STOP!"

SHUT UP!!! JUST DIE, YOU GODDAMNED HATE-FILLED BASTARD!

I beat the living shit out of him with his damned clarinet and watch his bloody face wince in pain. I laugh in malicious joy.

"No…more…"

Die, you prick.

CRUNCH!

"Hey, Spongebob! How are you doing?"

Hey, FRIEND. How are you dying?

"Huh? Dying? Spongebob, what do you mean-"

BANG! I watch his body fall onto the pavement and he makes this gagging sound as his eyes roll back into his head.

Two down, lot more to go.

Hello, Mr. Krabs!

"What? Spongebob! My little moneymaker! How's it going?"

Oh, It's just swell, Mr. Krabs. I just have something to show you.

"Well, what is it, boy?"

I hold up a $20 bill and my lighter and burn it in front of him.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF NEPTUNE ARE YOU DOING, BOY?!"

He's trying to put out the flaming dollar. How cute. I pull out a canister of oil and throw it at his feet, setting him on fire.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! PUT ME OUT! PUT ME _OUT!_"

Goodbye, Mr. Krabs. I steal everything from his safe and run like hell. So long, you fucking dump of a restaurant.

"Howdy, Spongebob!"

Howdy, cowgirl! I hear ya making some walnut pie!

"Ha-ha! Well, I am, but you won't be able to taste it, because you need water to breathe, silly!"

Water? Don't worry, Sandy. I got an idea! I run to the door and open it and run to the outer door and open it as well.

"Spongebob? What are you doing?! DON'T DO THAT!"

Too late. The water rushes in and fills up the dome.

"CLOSE THE DOOR, SPONGEBOB! HURRY!"

No. The bitch tries to swim towards her house and tries to open the door, but it's locked.

"SPONGEBOB, HELP-GLUB!"

I causally walk out and close the doors behind me as I watch Sandy drown in her dome.

I grin in excitement as I hold my bloody license in the air after I beat up and killed Mrs. Puff. I get in the car and drive off to Tijuana Bottom.

I'm done with this god-forsaken town. I don't need to be Spongebob Squarepants anymore. From now on, I'm… Rico Guarvez.

And Rico's gonna get me some _nalgas_.

The fucking end, bitches.

………

YOU'RE STILL HERE?! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! GO HOME!

(The real end.)


End file.
